ProCo 234: Squeeze Your Cheeks and Suck It Down – Hot Ones: The Game Show

Every great spicy wing eating competition consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called “The Pledge.” The chef shows you something extremely spicy: a hot wing doused in bright red sauce. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed really, truly, spicy. But of course… it always is. The second act is called “The Turn.” The consumer then takes the wing and eats the entire thing. Now you’re looking for the discomfort… and you’ll find it, because of course this hot sauce is absurd. You want to see them sweat. You want to hear the hiccups. But you wouldn’t clap yet. Because eating something spicy isn’t enough; you have to keep it down. That’s why every spicy wing eating competition has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call “The Prestige.”

Zach explains his bumpy tongue, Jared will not accept Melissa McCarthy as his Ursula, and Adam once ate spicy wings for medicinal purposes.

Talking Points Include: Talking Points Include: The DJ Stylings of Diesel, Flame Protected Milkshakes, Potentially Unnecssary Paramedics, Dirt Identifying Tongue, Picasso’s Wing Period, The Prestige Spoilers, The Spiciest Sauce We’ve Ever Eaten, Wing Bearers

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ProCo 233: The Best One Since The First – Hot Wheels: Ultimate Challenge

The fog rolls in. The engines rev. You wait in anticipation for the life sized Hot Wheel of your dreams to drive out onto the stage. Slowly, it emerges… Pete Davidson. Sure, you may be dissapointed at first, but this boy is about to transform into either a car or a monkey. Either way, we think that is a good enough idea to earn us $25,000. Anyway, go see Transformers: Monkey Business – only in theaters.

Zach owns too many Hot Wheels, Jared loves the tiny Japaneese trucks, and Adam is incensed by the Transformers marketing campaign.

Talking Points Include: Alcoholic Sunny D Taste Test, Our Foo Fighters Collaboration, Talents for the Queen, Terry Crews Does a Lot of Nothing, Spoiler Alert, Snape Poops His Pants, The Pinewood Derby, Transformers: Monkey Business, Pete Davidson The Car

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ProCo 232: Two Hearts, Six Limbs, One Soul – Full Metal Jousting

Who among us can truly claim to know the innerworkings of a centaur. There has to be some stuff going on in there that we humans cannot even fathom. However, we don’t have to understand it to know that those guys would be great at jousting. Horse and man, together as one, cannot be stopped. Now all we have to do is find a witch to turn Jared into one.

Zach searches for a local witch, Jared is going to stop half-way through his Animorph, and Adam is Speckles The Horse.

Talking Points Include: Losing the Derby, Centaur Anatomy, The Top Model Barn, A Knight’s Tale is Real, Horse Memories, Don’t Get Tobiased, Horse Potion, A New Bad Pokemon

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ProCo 231: The Triple Kenny Crossover – Time Chase

Masterclass. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Famous experts in their field teach online classes to whoever wants to pay to recieve the knowledge. But why not take it one step further? Let these experts work together to teach entirely new crossover subjects. For example, Clarinet Songs to Gamble To on a Cattle Drive: by Kenny Rodgers, Kenny Loggins, and Kenny G. Or, How to Convince a Canadian Game Show Host You’re An Immortal Eldritch God Who Has Seen All of History: by Wishbone, Encino Man, and The Observers from Fringe.

Zach is stuck in the sound mixer, Jared is the last place mother’s boy, and Adam was fooled by Fringe in 2009.

Talking Points Include: A Mother’s Day Masterclass, Not Enough Hacker, Top Gun: Moo-verick, Christ Time, Wishbone’s Time Travel, Man Made Caves, A Three Pronged Attack, Our Historical Trademark Pose, Hang In There Baby

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ProCo 230: Oops! All Alfred – Love Handles

You don’t have to be married to play along with a “Newlywed Game” type of competition. You don’t even have to be dating. You could just be two friends who know a lot about each other and want to test that knowledge. Hell, you could both be Batman and all of your answers are just about how you have Alfred do everything for you. Whats that? Did I lose you on that one? Doesn’t matter, now give me my iPod shuffle and get these spaghetti stains out of my bat suit.

Zach dreams up a new Luther Vandross single, , Jared got passed over for the moon expedition, and Adam quizzes Zach and Jared in The Newlywed Game.

Talking Points Include: A is for Armstrong, Cameos for Space Travel, Earn Every Kiss, 90s Taco Bell Ass, Baby Bear The Cook, GruelHaus, The Dracula Response, Whatever Alfred Gives Us

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ProCo 229: God Save The Norb – Acting Crazy

Not all game shows are kooky, over the top, wild rides, ok? We love a silly show as much as you do, but we did make an oath to conquer EVERY game show, and that includes the ones that are just charades. Like, seriously. This one is just charades. But just because this show is entirely a bad party game, that doesn’t mean we can’t get the newly crowned King of England and some monster trucks involved.

Zach wants hot dogs at his coronation, Jared wants a suckling pig at his coronation, and Adam wants a water slide at his coronation.

Talking Points Include: The Capn’s 60th, Jimathor Buckets, Squantum Lipa, Dirty Nasty Water Foul, Honey I Shrunk The King, Operation Golden Orb, Coronation Cookout With Katy Perry, The Fattest Rabbit Wins, Monster Chuck

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ProCo 228: Please, Or My Aunt Will Stab – Cheat

As usual, in this episode we go on quite a few tangents involving tornados, curds and whey, chili five ways, etc. However, this time I want to really make sure you all understand that those silly side bars do not detract from the severity of the situation that Jared finds himself in. He really needs your help, PLEASE give him the answers to this game show. His aunt has the Gom Jabbar held right up to his neck. She has killed before, and she WILL kill again!

Zach believes he can eat a gargantuan amount of cottage cheese, Jared doubts the perseverance of fast food chili, and Adam edits out all of the moos.

Talking Points Include: Our Cool Stunts, Genuine Cows in the Studio, Midwest Tornado Culture, A Modern Miss Muffet, Oh Yeah We’ve Got Chili, A Two Toilet Dunkie, The Ganja Bar, I Space Believe It’s Not Butter

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ProCo 227: Always Bet On Baggis – Haggis Baggis

We, the Professional Contestants, have taken an oath to find a way to win every game show ever. You know this. We know this. Yet somehow we still find ourselves blindsided by the occasional very bad, very old, very cursed by a mummy game show. You would think we’d have learned by now. Why am I bringing this up now? No reason… Anyway, here’s Haggis Baggis.

Zach wins the Best Joke of the Podcast award, Jared finds Albert Einstein to be entertaining, and Adam delves into some Norse history.

Talking Points Include: Hanukkah Speedrun, Fish Math, Git-R-Done In Alaska, The Game Show Mummy Curse, Haggis Baggis Etymology, We Don’t Know George Burns, Old People Chicken Dinner Preview

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ProCo 226: The Great Vegas Conveyor Belt – Make Me Laugh

We here at Professional Contestants are on the cutting edge of technology, infrastructure, and innovation. Through our unique outlook on the world, we are able to dream up concepts that others’ minds are unable to achieve. Now… yes this one does happen to just be a 300 mile long toaster, but we really think it’s gonna change the world!

Zach explains why comedy is funny, Jared really loves a Mr. Peanut joke, and Adam comes up with a groundbreaking new mode of transportation.

Talking Points Include: Three Exotic Trips, Humanity Runs on Dunkin, Bergeron-ing Comedians, Designing the Next Great Vehicle, Conveyor Belt Pirates, It’s A Bagel Cooker!, Doula Breathing, What We WONT Do to Win, eBaum’s World Lives

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ProCo 225: Five Plans Are Better Than One – Labor Games

I KNOW we say this often but this game show really could be solved with a Rumpelstiltskin themed plan! Then again it could be a Macduff plan. Or a Little Man plan. Or a Rip Van Winkle plan. Or even a secret twins plan. You’re confused, I get it, but this mistake of a game show requires some real lateral thinking if we are gonna steal $10,000 from a newborn baby.

Zach poorly describes how a c section works, Jared eagerly awaits the return of the woolly mammoth, and Adam gets a phone call.

Talking Points Include: Sauna Techniques, An Emergency Phone Call, Old Man Fantasys, Ambush Game Shows, Financially Literate Tarzan, The TLC Show Game, Kate vs. Kramer, A Rumpelstiltskin Situation, A Rip Van Winkle Situation, A Little Man Situation

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