ProCo Episode 186: The Ghost of Napoleon’s Olympic Revenge – Knights and Warriors

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Many people believe that the time we are born affects the kind of people we become. In this case, we’ve got to do battle with eight beefy warriors who are all riled up and evil just because they were born on a “dark day.” Looks like we have two options: change their birthdays, or tickle them until they stop.

Zach worries about when he can eat cake, Jared tries to punch up the Olympics, and Adam would rather be tackled than take a standardized test.

Talking Points Include: Fantasy Narrators, Mail Time, Pro Wrestling Vibes, Speared by Regis, Historical Heels, Rules and Discipline Daddy, The OK Go Challenge, A Big Annie Finale

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January 17, 2022

ProCo Episode 185: The Island of Misfit Boys – Keys to the VIP

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Not only do we need to teach a lesson to some misguided men, but we also just straight up dislike this gameshow’s skeevy energy. Luckily, we can both avoid talking about this show AND enlist some help in teaching a lesson by turning to one of our favorite topics. That’s right, the Oompa Loompas are coming to show these pickup artists the error of their ways.

Zach has a new puppy, Jared is wearing his Loompa costume to the club, and Adam misremembers 90’s cereal slogans.

Talking Points Include: The New Face of Our Podcast, Hottest Cereal Mascots, Pickup Artists, The Legion of Douche, Hunting the Wooly Mammoth, Fruit Based Nicknames, Oompa Loompas in the Club, The Island of Misfit Boys

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January 10, 2022

ProCo Episode 184: The Civil War Slap Voucher – Pawnography

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We generally try to be pretty decent humans when carrying out our various plans. But honestly, someone can be convinced that the FBI is searching for a real life genie, they’re gonna get scammed eventually, so we might as well be the ones doing the scamming.

Zach is well versed in the Pawn Stars Universe, Jared is a Chumlee expert, and Adam dusts off his guitar.

Talking Points Include: Mail Time, Prepping for 200, The Pawn Star Universe, Half-Way Animorphs, Take Terry Bradshaw’s House, A Historical Slap Deal, The Saxophone Scam, Darwin Loves Aladdin

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January 3, 2022

ProCo Episode 183: Area 51 Is Open – Top Elf

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In this episode we discover the true meaning of Christmas. We here at Professional Contestants believe that everyone should be included in the holiday festivities, so we are doing something special this season. Area 51 is open, its a lucky time of year, and these aliens are about to learn about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Zach thinks Marvin the Martian is in Area 51, Jared thinks Hot Scrooge is in Area 51, and Adam thinks eight additional Shrek sequels are in Area 51.

Talking Points Include: Jared’s CO2 Detector, The Volunteer Dads Brigade, Santa’s Transatlantic Accent, A Luckier Time of Year, Evangelizing Aliens, Knuckles’ Eggs, Air Force Base Shenanigans, Talk Elf

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December 20, 2021

ProCo Episode 182: Donald Duck Hates Mercutio – Blown Away: Christmas

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For this episode, in the name of the holidays, we soldier on and talk in depth about the art of competitive glassblowing being unnecessarily converted into a Christmas special. But we also talk about what we really love, and that is debating which Disney character best represents famous hot headed Capulet – Tybalt.

Zach wonders the origin of the glassblowing furnace, Jared wants us to be mature about the glassblowing furnace, and Adam cannot be mature about the glassblowing furnace.

Talking Points Include: Christmas Stank, The Angelic Sonic, Pushing the Limits of Disney Bounding, Glassblowing Accessibility, Picnic Hookah, Staring Into the Glory Hole, Saving Baby Tiny Tim, Scrooge’s Big Beautiful Secret

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December 13, 2021

ProCo Episode 181: Only Santas in the Building – Santas in the Barn

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Happy Holidays! It’s that time of year, and we GOT THE SPIRIT. THE HOLDIAY SPIRIT. We’re drinking nothing but eggnog, eating nothing but cookies, and talking about nothing but Bernard the Elf and the Three Wise Men. Oh, Santa? We got Santas. That‘s right: plural.

Zach is jolly, Jared is crafty, and Adam is kid approved.

Talking Points Include: Christmas Costumes, Only Santas in the Building, The Sanatacratic Oath, Tommy the Elf Has His Own Take on Things, ProCo is Mad at a Firefighter, The Spirit of Santa Can be in Anyone, Good Grinch Energy, Krampus Doesn’t Do Drugs

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December 6, 2021

ProCo Episode 180: Toby Keith’s I Love This Dave & Buster’s – The Singing Bee

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It’s been established that we here at ProCo love Reba more than the average person. That is unless the average person is someone who watches CMT game shows hosted by Barbra Jean. They REALLY love Reba. So while they’re all distracted by a Reba reunion, we’re sneaking onto and winning The Singing Bee.

Zach writes the next hit country song, Jared brags about his juicy turkey, and Adam becomes the little boy from Reba.

Talking Points Include: The Three Kings Real Epiphany, The Army’s Turkey Rules, Folk Hero Boy Bands, Jason Spader: The House Swinger, Wayne Brady’s Public Audition, Karaoke Etiquette, Ford and Coors, I Love This Cud

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November 29, 2021

ProCo Episode 179: Egg à la Mode – Baker’s Dozen

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We spent so much time asking ourselves what WOULD qualify as dessert, we forgot to ask ourselves what CANNOT qualify as dessert. As it turns out, the answer is simple. It’s egg. Dessert can’t have an egg on it. So ready the egg cannon, we have some desserts to ruin.

Zach isn’t good at Halo, Jared imagines a tomato bisque cake, and Adam insists he is proficient at snatching eggs.

Talking Points Include: #1 Gamer Chat, Toad’s Sex Education, Twatches, Eight Immediate Losers, What Is Dessert, When Is Dessert, Egg Cannon

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November 22, 2021

ProCo Episode 178: Gas, Grass, or Ham – Would I Lie to You

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We go to school. We work hard to get a good paying job. We save up our money with the hope of one day never having to work again. And the one thing we all are striving for in life? The thing that will let us know we’ve made it? Traveling the world and eating good food. Preferably ham. Preferably on someone else’s dime.

Zach thinks he is in the top 50% of personable humans, Jared’s day rate is a BLT, and Adam has a fine dining experience.

Talking Points Include: Michelin Star Dining, Sucking Meat From a Shell, Travel the World and Eat Good Food, Lions By Omission, Schrodinger’s Penn Jillette, Smoked Meats?, The Shirley Temple of Ham Juice, Hameater Gin

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November 15, 2021

ProCo Episode 177: Plumbing Pro Bono – Divided

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Plumb an orphan’s toilet, they are fixed for a day. Teach an orphan to plumb, they can fix their own toilet and perhaps become plumbers one day. And we are REALLY gonna need to double down on that second option because even with our game show winnings, we can’t keep up with all the charitable plumbing work we are doing.

Zach rehauls the British alphabet, Jared recounts his split or steal vs robots experience, and Adam is put off by the ruthless British game show attitude.

Talking Points Include: Adam’s Dental Adventure, Bone Polishers, Battle For The B, Haych, British Brutality, The Plumber Show, Big Orphan Poops

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November 10, 2021