ProCo 225: Five Plans Are Better Than One – Labor Games

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I KNOW we say this often but this game show really could be solved with a Rumpelstiltskin themed plan! Then again it could be a Macduff plan. Or a Little Man plan. Or a Rip Van Winkle plan. Or even a secret twins plan. You’re confused, I get it, but this mistake of a game show requires some real lateral thinking if we are gonna steal $10,000 from a newborn baby.

Zach poorly describes how a c section works, Jared eagerly awaits the return of the woolly mammoth, and Adam gets a phone call.

Talking Points Include: Sauna Techniques, An Emergency Phone Call, Old Man Fantasys, Ambush Game Shows, Financially Literate Tarzan, The TLC Show Game, Kate vs. Kramer, A Rumpelstiltskin Situation, A Rip Van Winkle Situation, A Little Man Situation

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February 17, 2023

ProCo 224: The Seven Deadly Sinbads – Take It or Leave It

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Listen up everyone! Don’t be alarmed, but we are going to do some sins in this one. Nothing too crazy – just the fun ones. It’s ok, sometimes it’s necessary to do bad things in order to, in the long run, do good things… like win money on a game show. That’s what life is really all about, right?

Zach is great at guessing the seven heavenly virtues, Jared wants a Mamma Mia, and Adam pretends to know what poppers are.

Talking Points Include: Finding Meaning in Our Dreams, Last Minute Officiant, The Sin Bin, Renaming Planets, Snake Drugs, Doing All the Fun Sins, The Seven Opposite Sins

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January 30, 2023

ProCo 223: Wilburs in a Blanket – Smush

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Once a year you may find yourself looking at the sky and you’ll notice that all the stars have gone. Well that’s because they’re all down here with us… but they’re at the Golden Globes or the Oscars or something. They’re DEFINITELY not at this boring basement house party that the USA Network filmed and called a game show. But with a little help from these three party boys, we just may be able to make this party a hit.

Zach won a regional community theatre award, Jared claims he ate an olive, and Adam hasn’t seen East of Eden.

Talking Points Include: The Stars Are Here With Us, The Jackie Chan Award, Click Clack Moo, Basement Party Vibes, Brad Pitt Eats The Train, Ice Sculpture Party Logistics, Wordle With The Taliban, Casey Kasem Got bin Laden, Cajun Shrek

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January 16, 2023

ProCo 222: Queer-Eye Moody – Wrap Battle

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Welcome to our holiday episode! No, it isn’t late – we just maintain that the holiday season continues through Epiphany, meaning we just like to make jokes about the three wise men. Anyway, whatever holiday you are celebrating this winter, join us for discussion on gift wrapping etiquette, how we must stop James Cameron, and somehow… even MORE Harry Potter bits.

Zach tracks the episode’s PG rating, Jared establishes some new gift wrapping rules, and Adam ruins the magic of a montage.

Talking Points Include: Avatar Watch, The Uncanny Trench, The Gifs of the Magi, More Harry Potter Jokes, Novelty Gift Wrapping, Bags vs Wrapping, Rocky is in Sonic Now, Master Splinter Causes Drama, Capitalist Performance Art

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January 2, 2023

ProCo 221: Father, Son, and House of Hagrid – Harry Potter: Hogwarts Tournament of Houses

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We tend to talk about Harry Potter more than we should on this podcast, but a Harry Potter themed game show? Why, that would give us the excuse to talk about it for a full episode. We could even reveal to you all the canonical fifth Hogwarts House: The House of Hagrid. Wait no… The House of Aragog… Or was it The House of Jones? It doesn’t really matter. By the time you realise it isn’t true, we’ve stolen The Sorting Hat and are already on the run!

Zach thinks of a better way to free Dobby, Jared declares that Harry Potter is in the public domain, and Adam worries about The Sorting Hat’s personal life.

Talking Points Include: Prescription Panera, Jock Strap Resale Etiquette, All Sally No Jack, Surprise Jay Leno, Remember This Couch, Which House Are We, The Secret House of Jones, The Sorting Hat and Dobby: Odd Couple, Aragog The Insurrectionist

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December 19, 2022

ProCo 220: I, Edbot – Remote Control

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What do the United States Supreme Court, the soul of Mister Ed, and Adam Sandler’s film career all have in common? Truly nothing, but we still somehow managed to talk at length about each of these topics in this episode. These bad MTV game shows always bring out the best in us. Anyway, get ready to be strapped to an arm chair and have snacks poured on your head while a bunch of stereotypes ask you trivia questions, because late 80s MTV was a wastoid teen going through puberty in the form of a television network.

Zach has watched no recent music videos, Jared gets spanked by the supreme court, and Adam ponders the soul of Mister Ed.

Talking Points Include: A Speed Update, Fastest Kid in the City, The Golden Era of MTV, Reaching Across The Crack, Prize Raps, Music Video Philosophy, Revisiting Top Gun, Mister Ed Soul Transfer, Adam Sandler: A Serious Director

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December 8, 2022

ProCo 219: Sorry for ROFLCOPTERing – Pickled

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There’s a secret to being a pop music sensation that many people don’t know about. We here at the Professional Contestants, however, have cracked that code, and we are here to share it with you. I mean, sure we are also going to use it to our benefit by distracting a bunch of celebrities to win at a charity event, but you can know about it too. Lean in close now… Young. Hot. Uncle. Thank us later.

Zach thinks some of the pilgrims were alright, Jared has a great mental attitude, and Adam needs to find a young hot uncle.

Talking Points Include: Not All Pilgrims, Thanksgiving Hot Takes, Celebs Steal Our Strats, Hitting The Ball Hard, Yuncles, #MaureenWon, Lauper Copter

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November 21, 2022

ProCo 218: The Brigham Young Experience – Game Show in My Head

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You wanna know what sets us apart? Some wildly popular and well known podcast hosts only give you one “experience.” I won’t say who… but OUR podcast will give you a bit of his experience, and also many more experiences. This one’s got a Brigham Young Experience, a Jared Padalecki Experience, and even a Zippo The Dinosaur Experience. Take that, you unnamed American UFC color commentator, podcaster, comedian, actor, and former television presenter.

Zach thinks he can fake a street performance, Jared wants Joseph Smith to release the plates, and Adam is faster than the average human.

Talking Points Include: Bayou Boys, June Is Here, Thank You NutBall, Hot Takes on Joe Rogan, The Mormons’ Fine China, You Look Fast, Street Crossing Etiquette, David Blaine’s Witchcraft, Drunk People Love Magic, Jared Padalecki X Zippo

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November 7, 2022

ProCo 217: Butter Us Up and Slip Away – Saw 5

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Happy Snake Day! As is our burden once every year, we return to you having viewed the next unfortunate installment in the Saw franchise. Did we finally find a Saw movie we enjoy? Well… let’s just say we were happy to have the final few entries in the Apple Orchard Monster saga to talk about afterward as a palate clenser.

Zach want’s everyone in Saw to wear a nametag, Jared encourages deep breathing and clear thinking, and Adam tries (and fails) to correctly use a classic theatrical term.

Talking Points Include: We’ve Got Jump Scares, Our Snake Day Costumes, Saw Keeps Getting Worse, Rocky Bababooey, The Obligatory Kramer vs Kramer Joke, We’ve Got Mail, Apple Orchard Monster Ends

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October 31, 2022

ProCo 216: Bless This Pump – Punkin Chunkin

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We tried to take a break from strictly spooky vibes today in favor of something just a bit more fall themed, but the scariest things aren’t always ghosts and ghouls. Some may say the scariest thing is damnation, and these Punkin Popes are gonna be sure this pumpkin goes to Heaven.

Zach builds catapults every year, Jared plans to save the pumpkin’s soul, and Adam want’s to hack a drone into the pumpkin.

Talking Points Include: Pre-Saw Blues, Chianti-o’s, Apple Orchard Monster Continued, Forbidden Fruit of the Loom, Redneck Engineering, Our Bad Catapult Experience, Our Good Catapult Experience, Pumpkin Rapture

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October 27, 2022