ProCo 190: Your Disappointed Dad, Stan Lee – Who Wants to Be a Superhero

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Learning opportunities are everywhere in this world, we just have to open to them when they present themselves. For example, we didn’t think we’d learn anything from this mid 2000’s game show. On the contrary, we now know that according to Stan Lee, superheroes aren’t allowed to make money and must remain celibate. The more you know.

Zach connects everything back to Magnum, P.I., Jared longs for delis and bocce, and Adam things he’s found the best game show ever.

Talking Points Include: Old New York Men, Mascot Matchups, Halftime Show Expectations, Superhero Roll Call, Rotiart’s Betrayal, Testing True Character, Batman’s Payroll, Becoming TRUE Heroes

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February 14, 2022

ProCo Episode 189: Strong Boys, Open to Bribes – Tug of Words

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Did you all know that Tug of War used to be an Olympic sport? All those strong competitors looked super cool tuggin’ on a big rope. So we are all gonna get real beefy just like those guys so we can look cool and tug a rope too. Yes, we are aware this isn’t an actual tug of war game show – we’ll make it work.

Zach blames his bad jokes on a sound board, Jared is watermelons all the way down, and Adam does big ski jumps.

Talking Points Include: What Are The Quad Cities, Our Olympic Chances, Our New Sound Board, A Perfect Competition, Turn Based Tug of War, The New Middle Class, So You Think You Can Beat Me, Cabana Comeback

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February 7, 2022

ProCo Episode 188: Dr. Socrates’ Sick Ride – Concentration

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Memory: A fragile thing. Take that memory for a sail on the lake. A piece of it breaks, so you replace it with a new one. You sail your memory again, and you break it again. This keeps happening, you keep replacing your memory with new parts until you realize… this metaphor makes no sense, and the Contestants don’t know the first thing about philosophy. 

Zach invents a new radio, Jared wants to do a scare, and Adam proposes a philosophical question. 

Talking Points Include: Goro the Hotelier, An Implied Santa Invitation, Anyone Can Be Lightyear, My Notes Say Boring, Reba’s Puzzles, Watson’s Recipes, If I Was Cam Janson, Dr. Socrates’ Sick ‘Sploon

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January 31, 2022

ProCo Episode 187: Peace, Land, and Cheddar Bay – Takeshi’s Castle

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The Professional Contestants are headed to Japan to hang out and pal around with 142 of our newest best friends! We’re gonna do obstacle courses! We’re gonna eat biscuits! And if any war hungry Counts or Generals even THINK about forcing us to fight on their behalf, we’re gonna incite a revolution!

Zach has definitely not been to Boston, Jared reminices about playground energy, and Adam attempts to understand medieval war strategy.

Talking Points Include: A Harry Potter Adajacent Update, The Dichotomy of Party Magicians, Bad Army Recruitment Tactics, Obstacle Courses of War, The Strong Man Maze, Game Show Cultures, A Peoples’ Uprising, The Cheese New Deal

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January 24, 2022

ProCo Episode 186: The Ghost of Napoleon’s Olympic Revenge – Knights and Warriors

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Many people believe that the time we are born affects the kind of people we become. In this case, we’ve got to do battle with eight beefy warriors who are all riled up and evil just because they were born on a “dark day.” Looks like we have two options: change their birthdays, or tickle them until they stop.

Zach worries about when he can eat cake, Jared tries to punch up the Olympics, and Adam would rather be tackled than take a standardized test.

Talking Points Include: Fantasy Narrators, Mail Time, Pro Wrestling Vibes, Speared by Regis, Historical Heels, Rules and Discipline Daddy, The OK Go Challenge, A Big Annie Finale

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January 17, 2022

ProCo Episode 185: The Island of Misfit Boys – Keys to the VIP

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Not only do we need to teach a lesson to some misguided men, but we also just straight up dislike this gameshow’s skeevy energy. Luckily, we can both avoid talking about this show AND enlist some help in teaching a lesson by turning to one of our favorite topics. That’s right, the Oompa Loompas are coming to show these pickup artists the error of their ways.

Zach has a new puppy, Jared is wearing his Loompa costume to the club, and Adam misremembers 90’s cereal slogans.

Talking Points Include: The New Face of Our Podcast, Hottest Cereal Mascots, Pickup Artists, The Legion of Douche, Hunting the Wooly Mammoth, Fruit Based Nicknames, Oompa Loompas in the Club, The Island of Misfit Boys

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January 10, 2022

ProCo Episode 184: The Civil War Slap Voucher – Pawnography

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We generally try to be pretty decent humans when carrying out our various plans. But honestly, someone can be convinced that the FBI is searching for a real life genie, they’re gonna get scammed eventually, so we might as well be the ones doing the scamming.

Zach is well versed in the Pawn Stars Universe, Jared is a Chumlee expert, and Adam dusts off his guitar.

Talking Points Include: Mail Time, Prepping for 200, The Pawn Star Universe, Half-Way Animorphs, Take Terry Bradshaw’s House, A Historical Slap Deal, The Saxophone Scam, Darwin Loves Aladdin

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January 3, 2022

ProCo Episode 183: Area 51 Is Open – Top Elf

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In this episode we discover the true meaning of Christmas. We here at Professional Contestants believe that everyone should be included in the holiday festivities, so we are doing something special this season. Area 51 is open, its a lucky time of year, and these aliens are about to learn about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Zach thinks Marvin the Martian is in Area 51, Jared thinks Hot Scrooge is in Area 51, and Adam thinks eight additional Shrek sequels are in Area 51.

Talking Points Include: Jared’s CO2 Detector, The Volunteer Dads Brigade, Santa’s Transatlantic Accent, A Luckier Time of Year, Evangelizing Aliens, Knuckles’ Eggs, Air Force Base Shenanigans, Talk Elf

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December 20, 2021

ProCo Episode 182: Donald Duck Hates Mercutio – Blown Away: Christmas

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For this episode, in the name of the holidays, we soldier on and talk in depth about the art of competitive glassblowing being unnecessarily converted into a Christmas special. But we also talk about what we really love, and that is debating which Disney character best represents famous hot headed Capulet – Tybalt.

Zach wonders the origin of the glassblowing furnace, Jared wants us to be mature about the glassblowing furnace, and Adam cannot be mature about the glassblowing furnace.

Talking Points Include: Christmas Stank, The Angelic Sonic, Pushing the Limits of Disney Bounding, Glassblowing Accessibility, Picnic Hookah, Staring Into the Glory Hole, Saving Baby Tiny Tim, Scrooge’s Big Beautiful Secret

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December 13, 2021

ProCo Episode 181: Only Santas in the Building – Santas in the Barn

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Happy Holidays! It’s that time of year, and we GOT THE SPIRIT. THE HOLDIAY SPIRIT. We’re drinking nothing but eggnog, eating nothing but cookies, and talking about nothing but Bernard the Elf and the Three Wise Men. Oh, Santa? We got Santas. That‘s right: plural.

Zach is jolly, Jared is crafty, and Adam is kid approved.

Talking Points Include: Christmas Costumes, Only Santas in the Building, The Sanatacratic Oath, Tommy the Elf Has His Own Take on Things, ProCo is Mad at a Firefighter, The Spirit of Santa Can be in Anyone, Good Grinch Energy, Krampus Doesn’t Do Drugs

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December 6, 2021