ProCo Episode 76: Eat Pray Putt – Holey Moley

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Many times in life you will find yourself in situations that seem overly unnecessary and stressful. You could either complain about it, or you could experience it to it’s full potential and then use that experience later in life when Kenny G plays saxophone in your face while you’re trying to golf. That’s right, The Contestants are going on a journey of self discovery to prepare themselves for what’s to come on Holey Moley.

Zach defends the purpose of sports, Jared really dislikes golf, and Adam is hesitant to be naked on national TV.

Talking Points Include: Freud Themed Party, Penis Limit, Hot Takes On Golf, The Purpose Of Sports, Git Gud, B.S. Biathlon, Becoming Zen, Darn Near Naked, Real World B.S. Experience

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July 15, 2019

ProCo Episode 75: Whiskey For My Men, Beer For Your Dad – Brackets Crossover

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You’ve probably heard of Brackets before, mostly because we tell you about it almost every episode. Well if you never got around to listening to it then open up those ears because your favorite Contestants are bringing it right to you! Welcome to the crossover of our two shows, serving up the quality ranting of ProCo in the semi-organized format of Brackets.

Zach affirms the dangers of pots and pans, Jared is frightened by sea urchins, and Adam supports Willie Nelson’s father in liquid form.

Talking Points Include: Hostess Animals, Hollas For Everyone, Receipt Personal Ads, Orphan Games, Citing Your Handshakes, Alexander Graham Bell’s Shawtys, The Rise of King Dedede, Poison Edith, Dad In Every Sip

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July 9, 2019

ProCo Episode 74: The Music Man’s Cake Con – Nailed It!

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Look out everyone, we’re coming into this one hot! We’ve all got differing opinions on patriotic movies, laughing at failure, and even eating raw meats. But there’s one thing we can agree on: we are gonna need a lot of trombones to pull this plan off! Wait, whats that? Oh, we’re not in agreement on that either? Then your guess is as good as ours when it comes to how The Contestants are going to conquer Nailed It!

Zach is on the run from library fees, Jared reveals a heinous chicken secret, and Adam gets overwhelmed by brass instruments

Talking Points Include: Survival Lite, Fourth of July Movies, Laughing At vs Laughing With, Baking Facts, Spectators’ Confidence, Nasty Food Secrets, Studio Hot Box, Siding With Wes, Decoy Cake, Selling False Confidence, A Whole Lot of Trombones

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July 1, 2019

ProCo Episode 73: The Front Butt Dispute – Oh Sit!

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Sometimes here at Professional Contestants we have to do things we don’t like in order to win a game show. This is NOT one of those times. If you don’t think that oiling up and listening to Lionel Richie music all night while running an obstacle course sounds like a great time then there’s really nothing else we can do for you. We’re forming bands, reading fan fics, and arguing over butt placement in our plan to take down Oh Sit!

Zach describes a rich 12 Angry Men backstory, Jared is overwhelmingly in favor of a juicy donk, and Adam gets excited about dancing to Lionel Richie covers

Talking Points Include: New Theme Song, NBA Tacos, Mail Time, Cool Nicknames, Piggyback Sitcoms, Twelve Men, Black Eyed Peas 2, Backside Disguise, Oiling Up, Hype Fan Fiction

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June 24, 2019

ProCo Episode 72: Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Slytherin – Press Your Luck

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When we first laid eyes on the Big Board, we knew that something about it was familiar. That’s because we are a cultured bunch and are familiar with the story of Harry Potter. We must respect the Sorting Hat, and likewise, the Big Board… but if it tries to sort us into the Whammy house ONE MORE TIME we’re gonna stab it with a sword! The Contestants are going magical and getting lost in their own metaphors as the face Press Your Luck.

Zach has it out for childrens’ science magazines, Jared knows too many Peacocks, and Adam is upset by the logistics of a stealthy Basilisk

Talking Points Include: Bird Bar, Wild Peafowl, ProCo Hall Of Fame, Discovery Kids, The Sorting Hat, Snakes and Swords, Hogwarts’ Big Pipes, The Heir of Big Bucks, Chamber of Whammies, Big Board Prophesy

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June 17, 2019

ProCo Episode 71: Rob Lowe From Grinder – Mental Samurai

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Hey! Rob Lowe is a busy guy. He only has three days to film an entire season of a game show. He can’t afford to shut down production just because TWELVE guys with swords are challenging him to a duel. Oh, wait, it’s just one? Everyone take five: Rob’s gotta bust a sucker real quick.

Zach becomes a “Rock”, Jared hates on Samurai Imposters, and Adam defends the Good Columbus.

Talking Points Include: City of Powerful of Thighs, Kentucky Caves, Carnival Scams, Modern Samurai, Alcatraz “The Rock” Johnson, The Right Amount of Stalling, 12 Duels of Honor

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June 10, 2019

ProCo Episode 70: Trial By Trivia – Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

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Some old bones just can’t keep up with new tech in the modern game show era, and that can lead to some of our classic favorites getting the boot. But there are some of those that are worth saving, and Millionaire is one of them. But if we’re bringing it back, a few changes need to be made. Specifically, a lot of people in the world already have one million dollars, so… we can just take it from them, right? The Contestants are taking down the fat cats and redistributing the wealth with their redesign of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Zach creates a brand new festival, Jared intends to become a sexy Pope, and Adam makes the others talk about Over the Hedge.

Talking Points Include: Festival Returns, Professor Oak Talk, Dopest Scrotum, It’s Time For Regis, New Millionaires, Naughty Crime Cats, Over The Hedge, Reverse Undercover Boss, Doing The Pope

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June 3, 2019

ProCo Episode 69: Squatter’s Strike – Solitary

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You hear a prompt to take off your blindfold. You’re in a ten by ten room and a robotic voice is talking to you, telling you that you name is now a number and this is your new home. Wait… this is my new home? Time for a housewarming party! The Contestants are moving into their new studio homes and invoking tenants rights on Solitary.

Zach loosely interprets the meaning of torture, Jared finds the pod quite homey, and Adam trusts Asimov’s laws a little too much.

Talking Points Include: Elementary Speech Therapy, A Whole Lot of Game Show, Real Torture?, Grimace Island, Fancy Pods, Landlord Val, Three Laws Safe, Knife Roomba, Pod Warming Party

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May 27, 2019

ProCo Episode 68: Gerald McCarthy’s Day On – The Weakest Link

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The Contestants have found themselves in Game Show Detention, and this Teach is one real meanie-pants. But as we all know, there is one tried and true way to break a strict teacher’s mean demeanor: The Cool Kids. Watch out BBC, these 80’s clichés are coming with cigarettes and angst to take down The Weakest Link. 

Zach works hard for the episode’s explicit tag, Jared confuses well known celebrities, and Adam just wants to be the alien from Alien.

Talking Points Include: Brat Preparations, Soggy Sausage, Queen of Mean, Golden Idiot, George Washington’s Diary, Game Show Detention, Cool Kids Table, Matt Wahlberg and Mark Damon, 80s Film Archetypes, Accidental Smart

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May 20, 2019

ProCo Episode 67: Oh, Geppetto! – Child Support

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Finally! All those hours Adam and Jared spent drinking beer and watching Spy Kids in college are finally paying off! Who would have thought that all of that knowledge of the Robert Rodriguez canon would be useful down the road now that The Contestants need to train a Spy Kid of their own. However, going unnoticed isn’t going to be easy when facing off against Spy Kids alum Ricky Gervais on Child Support.

Zach gets put on suck, Jared makes a lot of stew metaphors, and Adam finds a very good picture of a man holding antifreeze.

Talking Points Include: Cubs Sherpas, Crotchwurst, The Full House Fallacy, Training New Spy Kids, Strategy Stew, Puppet Castle, Geppett-no, Juni Cortez Sabara Trainor

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May 13, 2019